Doing it all over again, marriage after divorce can be good

The percentage of second marriages ending in divorce is greater than the percentage of first marriages ending in divorce.  However, if you are going to give it another go then here are some thoughts about how to ensure that this time it's a lifetime relationship.

istock_wedding_ring000006036102xsmall.jpgWhen you first get married you obviously have no experience of what this new phase in the relationship will bring.  Both of you are full of hope and expectation without a thought that it could all break down into outright hostility or mind numbing boredom.  Many divorced people spend a lot of time agonising over why they got divorced.  If marriage again looks probable then dwelling on the past is not the best way to prepare for the future.  This does not mean that there aren't lessons to be learnt from the last marriage because there definitely are.

However, the best way to prepare for the new marriage is to start with a clean sheet and some good intentions based on the combined experience of a thousand of the finest relationship experts that we could fit into one room.  So here goes.

Make some special time to spend together
When the relationship becomes stable and committed it is more likely that the spontaneous, flirtatious aspects of your relationship can melt away.  Don't let this happen.  Go on a date together, just like you did before you lived together.  Dress up and go somewhere new, somewhere special.  It needn't be expensive.  Make it a real date where you both flirt with each other and seduction is in the air.  To make this really work the conversation needs to avoid the mundane stuff of life like the problem with the central heating boiler or the relative merits of the fish counter at your local supermarkets.  Talk about your dreams instead and share the moment.

Maintain a physical closeness
Touch each other in public, just a stroke of a shoulder or holding hands.  Feel your partner's physical presence.  Look at each other when you are speaking.  Difficult to do during a climactic moment in Eastenders or when the Hotspurs are on the break against Chelsea, but it's worth a try.

Give surprises and make compliments
A little surprise like flowers or pretty underwear (never buy a bra unless you are sure of the size) buying a size a 34C when 36D was the answer does not go down well.  So it's best to go for knickers where it is easier as they use dress sizes.  Blokes are easier for the spontaneous gift, a Porsche 911 will usually do it!  Complimenting your partner for a great meal or for actually getting the bins out in time for collection is also a really nice thing to do and costs nothing.

Talk about it
Whatever happens in your new marriage there will be problems both big and small.  Not talking about them may well be one of the difficulties you experienced in your first marriage.  Set aside a time to talk about it, look at the issues from your partner's point of view as well as your own.  Put forward ideas rather than a ready formed solution.  It's wise to remember that it can often be not what you say but the timing and tone of voice that you say it in.

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