Why did I get divorced?

Asking yourself some questions and answering them honestly can help you understand the reasons for your marriage breakdown. It may not be easy but may stop you repeating the same mistakes in your life after divorce.

What caused my marriage breakdown and why did I get divorced?
We would less than human if we did not try to allocate blame for the a marriage breakdown, whether that blame is directed at your former spouse or towards yourself.  It is natural to ask What went wrong? How could he/she have done this to me? What have I done to deserve this?

The five reasons for divorce
In England and Wales divorce is granted on the basis of irretrievable breakdown of a marriage. A divorce can be granted on the basis of any of the following:

  1. adultery
  2. unreasonable behaviour
  3. desertion
  4. two years separation with consent
  5. five years separation without consent

Most divorces do not in reality meet any of these criteria or reasons.  The truth is that one of these reasons may have been cited in the divorce papers but the reasons for the failure of the relationship and far more complex. 

Ask yourself some questions about your reasons for getting divorced
Instead of giving yourself a hard time about things it may be more helpful to ask yourself some of the following: 

What attracted you to each other when you first met?  What were the good things about your relationship and why did those good things disappear?

When did you realise and begin to acknowledge that things between you had changed to such a degree that you had begun to drift away from each other?

What influence did external circumstances have upon your relationship, there could be so many – maybe you lost your job or it got wanted to relocate when your spouse was not happy to do so.

What influence did the birth of your children have upon your relationship?

Maybe your sex life took a downturn. When and why?

Why weren’t we been able to resolve our differences?

Why did he/she feel that they had to have an affair?

Why didn’t we talk more?

You may not like the answers, but anything that gives you an insight into how your relationship went pear shaped has to be a good thing and will help you to progress with your life as well as giving you greater understanding of the reasons for getting divorced.

Being totally honest about your own short-comings as well as those of your former marriage partner is essential if you are going to begin to understand the real bedrock causes of the breakdown of your relationship.  Understanding these thing is good but in the end that's all part of the past and the way ahead is all about your future and how to make that so much better than your past.

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