There is a lot of divorce advice about these days, so many ‘miracle' cures to speed you effortlessly towards a better life after divorce. There are no instant ways to turn your life around. It takes time and perseverance. To help you begin the process of transition here is some simple, practical advice which will help you on your way to a better life.
Live in the present
Coming to terms with the reality of being divorced takes time. The past constantly pursues you to remind you of a life that you no longer have. Losing your married way of life is like a bereavement, there is a profound sense of loss and the constantly repeated question - why did this happen to me?
Dwelling on all this is almost unavoidable but seldom a good idea. The past should now be a foreign country, visited rarely and only with a passport. Look at it like this, you cannot live there but the occasional visit is just fine. This allows you to focus on the present and towards the future to rebuild your life after divorce. This will help to slowly reduce the pain of the past.
Enjoy the natural world around you
This is a ‘stop and smell the flowers' moment. Give yourself time to enjoy some of the simple stuff in life. Getting divorced can almost be a full time job so now that it's done try to get some balance back into your life. Gaze at a night sky full of stars, listen to the wind in a poplar tree or waves breaking on a rocky shore. You need to rebuild and that needs time, space and a quiet mind.
If none of these are to hand then straight to the online CD store and buy one of those relaxation CDs. Go for the natural sounds, waves are probably best. Listen first if you can as some of this stuff can be so annoying that you will want to inflict physical damage on you CD player/iPod before the end of the first track.
Everybody gets the advice to take regular exercise, during and after divorce it's even more valuable. Daily or regular exercise makes you feel better by releasing powerful feel good endorphins into your body. Much research has been done around the world to demonstrate the benefits of endorphins to both general mental health and mild depression in particular.
Joining a Tai Chi class, Yoga class or doing a bit of serious gym will not only benefit your health both physical and mental but also help you find new friends and possibly a new lover. Try it, it's simple, easy and it works.
However horrendous the divorce, whatever lies, deceits and falsehoods were paraded through the Family Court, forgiveness in the end is the biggest healer. You were in this together, and the responsibility for the breakdown in the relationship is shared despite the fact that it might be a 90/10 split! You can only let go if you forgive yourself as well as your ex-partner. This is not at all easy. Letting go of all the bad stuff in a divorce is absolutely vital in finding peace you need to go forward.
Value yourself and others will value you too
Divorce tends to strip both of you of a lot of your self esteem. You will have spent hours thinking, agonising about how your relationship got into this state. When did it start going wrong? Could it have been fixed last year or was it always a car crash waiting to happen?
The best advice is to learn how to value yourself again, be kind to yourself and bury the blame along with the life you no longer have. This is a very difficult change in attitude to make. Rebuilding that essential self esteem and sense of personal value is key to starting afresh in a new life. This will free you to be able to love and be loved again.