Your new life - the things you absolutely must do - Part Two

We know there are no easy solutions to the difficulties of life after divorce.  In Part One we talked about just how difficult things might be.

single pizzaThis will be largely dictated by who was doing the divorcing and how amicable or otherwise the divorce process was.  Either way the transition back to being single again (and ordering pizza for one) is not going to be a walk in the park

So here goes with some helpful advice, choose what might work best for you but remember the others ideas just in case.

Forgiving is good and very necessary
The best way to start your new life after divorce is find a way to forgive yourself and your ex wife/ex husband for making such a tragic mess of what started out as a great, loving and everlasting relationship.

Despite what many believe blame needs to be shared and so both of you need to forgive.  Blame is always unequal, anywhere from wildly at 98:2 to almost evens at 52:48.  However, forgiveness needs to be complete and unreserved.  In practice this is almost totally impossible so don't worry if you can't make it to total forgiveness. 

There is often some resentment which will never really go away.  There are also things that may have happened in your marriage that are very hard to forgive such as physical or emotional abuse.  Try your best, the more forgiving you can be then the better the start to your new life after divorce will be.

Grieve properly and then let go
The parallel between divorce and death is easily made.  Nonetheless it does ring true as it's the marriage that has died but the person lives on.  He or she still walks the planet and often is still in your life as your children's other parent.  Give yourself time to grieve properly for your loss just like a bereavement.  Count the weeks or months you have allocated for mourning and wear a virtual black arm band.  Take it off at the end of the allotted time and to mark the beginning of your new life.

Get back to the real you and what you want
When you are part of a couple, many of your choices are joint choices involving a degree of compromise or are even made by the other person.  Now you can make those decisions for yourself.  If you never really liked Coco Pops for breakfast now's the time to banish them and reinstate the organic high fiber rolled oats with Chilean flame raisins.  But seriously, do the stuff that you want to do and begin to relearn what makes you happy.

Work hard on the relationships between you ex and your children - it's so important
Your children didn't ask for a divorce and almost certainly did not want it.  This unwanted change will be as traumatic for them as it is for you.  Being a parent is a job for life.  You can never ever stop being one.  If there is still animosity and anger between you and your ex forgive him or her if you can, but bury it if you can't.  Do it for them they really don't need all that on top of the trauma of the divorce.  Just like you they need all the help and love they can get to make a success of their new life after divorce too.


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