The two key elements of all divorces are the arrangements for caring for the children and the split of the family treasure both present and future. These are not separate but intertwined agreements.
The parent with whom the children are resident (usually the mother) clearly needs more financial resources. The state has a legitimate interest in these arrangements but beyond that it has no role to play in the divorce process.
The most crucial element of all this for the kids comes after the legalities have been settled. The quality of your children's lives can be greatly increased by the way in which you and you both go about parenting responsibilities in the post divorce world.
Parenting is never easy and as a divorced person can be complicated, frustrating and confusing. There are many factors that influence your effectiveness as a parent. Here are some of the big ones:
This has a major role to play in the success of any divorce which seeks to put the children at the centre of the divorce process. It's probably never going to be as good as it would have been living in a happy secure family (how many of those do you know?) but it can go a long way to making it as positive as possible.
To create a positive attitude take a look at how you are projecting your feelings about the divorce to your children. If your your thoughts filled with anger and negativity then this will be picked up by your children and create negativity and anger in them.
This is not a good way for anyone to proceed. You may feel that your ex partner has been the biggest bitch/bastard on the planet but spreading that attitude around the post divorce family will only make it the worse for your kids
Perceptions are everything. Our world is what we perceive it to be whether you believe it's good, bad or somewhere in the middle you will be right in your terms and will create outcomes to justify your beliefs.
If you see yourself as the victim in your divorce, you will focus on those facts that prove it to be true. This will be bad for you and hamper your progress to a better life after divorce. It will also make it more difficult for your children who love both of you and do not need the pain and angst of the whole divorce process continuing through into their new lives.
If you can believe that your divorce was a life experience to learn from then your perception of it will be more rounded and less negative. This will be a great help in your attempt to provide positive parenting for your kids and help you live your life after divorce.
In a bitter divorce and indeed in many not so bitter divorces the mutual respect within the marriage is one of the first things to go out of the window. This is one of the key elements of positive parenting and if lost, needs to be regained.
Creating successful communication with your ex partner is vital to parenting and that can only really be achieved through a degree of mutual respect. It's worth remembering that the person for whom you may have such low regard is your child's other parent whom they love. If you can treat your former spouse with a level of dignity and respect then he or she is most likely to accord that same level of respect to you.
LET IT GO AND FORGIVE
Letting go of the negative emotions that hold you hostage are a key stage in the post divorce process. These include anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, hatred and anxiety. A powerful and potent brew which only makes your life worse and your parenting responsibilities more difficult.
Helping to let go is the possibility of forgiveness. This does not mean you condone the cruel and hurtful behaviour of the past. However, it does mean you are now determined not to let it affect you any longer. You are cutting the emotional chains that bind you and prevent you from enjoying the new potential in your life. It also makes positive parenting very, very difficult.
HANDLE THE CONFLICTS
Disagreements will always be an inescapable part of the parenting process. Unless you have a reasonable relationship with your ex partner it's going to be doubly difficult to do this from two different places. When the inevitable conflicts arise try to be a good listener. The majority of disagreements result from misunderstandings. Clarify what you heard and make sure it was what she or he actually meant.
Find a middle ground that you can both inhabit peacefully. Trade getting to "win" the issue with arriving at a result that you can both accept. Agree to disagree if necessary and stay calm. Your kids will respect you both for it and their lives will be easier and happier. And that's the result you both want.