The very first things to do as you start your new life after divorce

Divorce is a major life event which can be anything from a total motorway smash to the gateway to a new and better life.  Make sure you get to go through the gateway.

For most people the effect of the divorce are somewhere between the two.  The goal in the early months of life after divorce is to move towards that gateway and to a better life after divorce.  To help you get there here is some helpful after divorce advice.

sign saying 'changes ahead'Accept that it has happened and the only way ahead is forward
The very, very first thing to do as soon as the decree nisi has been granted (that's before the decree absolute which is the final act of a divorce) is to accept that it's over and nothing you can do will bring back your marriage.  There is now only a life after divorce, the quality of which is up to you.  What you do and how you do it will have a great effect upon how good that life after divorce is for you.

Resentment never helps
Holding on to a bitter resentment and anger against your ex is a very negative emotion which only makes things worse.  All divorce advice involves taking a positive attitude to your situation.  It's the best advice because whatever else you do it's vital to keep positive.  Doing this when every part of you is feeling angry and resentful is not easy.  Your future wellbeing will be significantly defined by your attitude to your present difficulties.

Dream your dreams and write them down
Divorce is not the end of your life but it is the end of the life that you once knew.  Thing will be different and there will be new opportunities.  Now is the right time to make some plans and realise some dreams.  Write them down, be it buying a secondhand bike (don't forget one of those strange looking cycle helmets) or planning to learn pottery (yes, pottery can be cool).  You need to have some sensible and realistic goals to give purpose and focus to your life, but a few bolder dreams, snow boarding down Mount Everest, will fire your imagination and inspire you.

Beware of false self esteem boosters
One major casualty of divorce is self esteem.  Whether the divorce was mutual or one sided both of you will be feeling that you have failed, either by staying too long, not going sooner or just neglecting the marriage and each other.

Rebuilding your self esteem is so important in life after divorce.  There are good ways to do this and not so good ways.  The good ways are to believe in yourself and build your confidence by attempting and achieving small but important things, losing a stone in weight, learning bridge (do people still play bridge?) or taking up playing boule.  The not so good ways are sleeping around to feel more desirable, excessive drinking and the use of drugs.  They are really not a good idea in any circumstances.

Life after divorce is a great journey and with the right advice and the support of your friends and family your destination can be just the place you want it to be.

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