Moving on to a better and happier life after divorce

The divorce is over.  The last details of the co-parenting arrangements have been settled.  The family treasure has been divided after lengthy (and sometimes bitter) negotiations.

The crystal wine glasses have been bargained for the Victorian over mantle mirror and both felt they paid too high a price for the deal.  All the bits of paper have been signed and your solicitor has now moved on to disentangle other wrecked relationships.

dreamstime_wine_glasses_12576298.jpgEmbrace the change
It's a classic "What happens next."  Change is nearly always disruptive.  Whether you were the divorcer or the divorcee this most fundamental change in your life is rarely going to a walk in the park.  If you started out with the intention of a fair and amicable divorce process and got one then you are already a success.

If the divorce process looked more like an erratic and destructive tornado then put that in the past.  Nothing can be done to change what happened and now is the time to start to repair the damage and prepare for a new life after divorce.

Grieving and how to do it
Grieving is not just a good thing to do it's essential.  Death and divorce share a lot in common.  Accepting and coming to terms with the new situation will take time.  A good idea for many people is to reflect upon the marriage experience rather in the way of a post mortem but in a positive way.

List the things that you did well in the marriage from the small things "I knew where we kept the vacuum cleaner and used it quite often" to "I always supported my husband/wife in their career ambitions."  This analysis also needs to own up to the stuff you didn't do so well.  Make the complete list from the trivial to the crucial and ponder it a bit and put it away but refer to it often.

Helping to understand the divorce
If you do this carefully and honestly then it will help you understand the totality of the marriage and also demonstrate that no marriage fails because of the exclusive shortcomings of one partner.  There are always two people (but very rarely equally) responsible for the divorce.  This list may help in this realisation and help calm the anger and resentment that is so often a feature of the immediate aftermath of the divorce process.

Happiness is where you want to be
In the US Declaration of Independence there is that famous reference to "the pursuit of happiness."  This is the one goal upon which all the peoples of the world can agree.  However the definition of a happy life is different for each individual on earth. 
It's just the same when you embark on your life after divorce.  No divorce is going to be an easy time for those involved.

So getting some happiness back into your life is a number one priority.  Just like any goal it's vital to define what needs to happen to achieve it.  Make a list of the simple things that make you feel good and give you peace.  You will have more time to be creatively self indulgent.  Go on, you deserve it and stop worrying about those 'lost' wine glasses, they really aren't important.

 

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