You've just got divorced, why do you want to get straight back into a relationship?

Lots of people do and for some it might be the way to go. If you do that you give yourself no time to heal from the trauma of the divorce, no time to take stock, to reflect and no time to adjust and learn how to build a satisfying life as a single person.

If you can make that very difficult transition it will make it easier to find a new partner and you will make a better decision when the time comes to do that. When the divorce happens the sense of being alone and the need to plug that void can easily become the focus of your life.

Here are some thoughts about why rushing back into a relationship might put so much pressure on you that making the right choice is so much more difficult. Going slowly and taking you time will give you the time and space your need at this turning point in your life.

You don't know how to be alone
Many people have been married or in a serious relationship for so long that they don't know how not to be. To them doing couple stuff is the only stuff to do. Staying home alone on a Saturday night and watching a movie is not acceptable, it just doesn't seem a normal thing to do. Being in a serious relationship means you are rarely alone for any length of time. Not being in one takes a bit of learning how to do it.

Your ex is in a serious relationship
This is just part of the competitive mayhem that is created by divorce. The understandable human reaction is to say "If he/she can find a new partner then I need to show that I can too." It helps rebuild self-esteem by showing the world that just because he/she didn't want you anymore it doesn't mean that you are nor attractive and desirable. It might even make him/her just a bit jealous!

The clock is ticking
For a woman over 30 this can be a major concern. No matter how successful women are professionally, the urge to have babies is still as it has always been. Despite the practicality of women having children in their thirties the fear of getting too old to have children is a strong motivator to find a new partner. This can colour judgement and lead to thinking you are in love when in fact what you really are is desperate to have a child within a relationship.

All of your friends are in relationships
Being on your own can easily make you feel excluded when so many around you are in couples. Often you feel the need to justify your lifestyle and say things like "I've moved on and I really like being on my own when the reality is that you are having a hard time coping keeping the smile on your face is getting harder and harder.

You're sick of dating
Dating can be a daunting and disappointing process. The internet has made it all so possible but at the same time ramped up the stress levels by a factor of ten. The chances of meeting weird people are disturbingly high. So if you meet somebody who seems normal, interesting and compatible you might want to rush into the relationship because at last the stress and disappointment of crumby dates in dodgy pubs can be a thing of the past.

Rushing into a new relationship can often lead to disappointment. When the newness of the relationship wears off, you are in deep and you realise that you may have fallen in love with the idea of him or her, what you want them to be and not the reality of who they are. It takes time to really get to know someone, especially when you still suffering the trauma of divorce.

Getting straight back into a relationship is totally understandable but take it slowly and give yourself time to readjust and make the next relationship more meaningful and successful.

 

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