Revenge sex – getting your own back at someone else’s expense. A good idea?

Revenge is one of the many none too nice emotions that are created by the trauma of divorce.  It lives in the tight space between desire and physical violence. Revenge is the opportunity to gain satisfaction for perceived past wrongs through retaliation.

In the complex emotional firestorm which ranges throughout the divorce process and beyond this revenge is often carried out in someone else’s bed.  Revenge sex is both emotionally supercharged and fuelled by sheer unfettered lust.

man and a woman in bedIt is a physical and emotional release which can satisfy the revenger but what about the revengee? Often the revenger does not fully realise the motive for the sex and rarely does the revengee fully appreciate the motivation of the person sharing his or her bed.

Revenge sex may be inevitable but rarely does it benefit either party and often is very negative and possibly extremely destructive. So how can you tell whether it’s revenge sex or the real thing?

Check out these ideas to see if you are really having revenge on your former partner rather than creating a new and viable relationship.

You're trying to remind a former spouse of what he or she is missing
You've decided to divorce or your partner has decided for you. You are now living in the emotional maelstrom of the divorce process and revenge is an all pervading response to the hurt and the pain.

You get this fabulous idea to seduce your ex and give him or her a taste of the past and what they are missing in the present. The sole intent is to punish your ex and emerge from the experience in a position of power. This revenge sex will do nothing to resolve the issues with your ex and will only serve to complicate a situation which is already deeply hurtful and damaging.  Whilst this is entirely understandable it is never really going to be a good idea.

You are doing it to avoid your sadness or express your anger
Sadness is perhaps the most all pervasive emotion in a relationship breakup. It may seem like a mild emotion especially when compared to the force of an emotion such as anger. However, it’s perhaps the most long lasting and in many ways difficult to deal with. Anger is the more intense emotion but tends to reduce its intensity more quickly.

Sex can be used like alcohol to mask the dull but persistent pain of an all pervading sadness as well as the more the more immediate hurt expressed as anger. Neither ‘remedy’ will take these emotions away. The use of alcohol has its own very particular dangers.

Someone cheated on you, so you pay that experience forward
For those whose relationship is ended by sexual infidelity then revenge sex is often directed towards visiting that trauma upon another man. Say a man discovers, or indeed witnesses, his partner is sleeping with another man then he may take revenge by having sex with someone else's partner.

He believes that by causing harm to two other people this will somehow make him better able to cope with his own pain and anguish. Of course, it does not.

Can revenge sex ever be justified?
The best answer would be no not ever. It’s not going to solve anything and will ultimately be damaging to the person you are sleeping with as well. However, if both people understand what is going on and are happy to enjoy each other on that basis then maybe it can act as a final break and provide the means for a fresh start for a new and satisfying relationship in the future.

Follow Us

Back to top