How to avoid divorce by rekindling the fire of the relationship

Perhaps the biggest casualty of a divorce is the loss of what can be called "the illusion."  It's the illusion that "that divorce (like cancer) happens to other people but not to us." 

Lost illusions
It's the illusion that we are safe, loved and accepted by our spouses.  It is the illusion of a happy family, of a loving marriage that will last forever.  It's the illusion of "we'll always be able to work it out" and "This is the only woman/man in my life."

When a divorce takes place all those illusions of acceptance, love, and being only for each other are blown clean out of the water.  Their loss can in a curious way be harder to cope with that the actual loss of the physical presence of your partner.

young_couple_walking_on_beach in loveHow not to go there - rekindle the fire in your relationship
The breakdown of any relationship does not happen spontaneously.  Like a volcano there are often signs of the impending catastrophic eruption well before the event if we know how to read them. 

There are deep rumblings and visible changes to the surface rocks.  They can be hard to detect but they do exist, as they also do in a relationship.

In terms of a relationship the signs are changes in behavior where one of you has stopped doing the things that nurture love at the same time as doing things that will extinguish it.

These two changes working together can over time bring down a relationship.  This can often manifest itself in one or other having an affair.  Never a good idea but is the most obvious sign of an unsatisfactory marriage and one of the grounds for divorce . 

A very simple example of how it all can start
The man stops helping around the house, spends more time away from home ‘out with friends' and responds angrily when he's under stress; the woman starts to wear trackie bottoms rather a lot, puts on some unwanted weight and begins to find fault in everything he does.  These are the early signs of a relationship vulnerable to a calamitous conclusion!  Do something now. 

How to avoid these problems
Relationship breakdown is the only real reason for divorce and is very rarely the fault of just one spouse.  Usually both parties have been guilty of behaviour which extinguishes rather than nurtures the true flame of the relationship.  Dialogue is (as is so often the case) the best answer.

Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it.  The sooner these difficulties are discussed the more likely they are to be resolved.  Be frank.  Tell your partner about  the things that make you feel loved and secure and those that push you away.  Likewise ask him/her about what works for them and what dosen't.  Whether it's flirting at parties or being reluctant to empty the dishwasher, get it out in the open and resolve it.

Follow Us

Back to top